Article 3- June 24
The Power of Observation
Meeting New People Safely as a Person with a Disability
by Ashlee Thao, KSYLF '18 and Faces '20 Alumna
Several people walk into a coffee shop that has two levels. The first person to walk in is a woman who might be in her mid-thirties, carrying a messenger bag which she plops down on a couch in the shop’s main seating area. She then orders herself a plain Americano with an extra shot of espresso, browses through some of the items on sale from the local vendors in a display area, selects a few items, picks up her bag off the couch, and heads upstairs to find seating elsewhere. She is followed by two Caucasian girls who look like they could be in high school or maybe just graduated with purses on their shoulders with rhinestone designs. Someone observing them might hear the jingle of coins as they fish around for money inside them to ensure they have enough for what they want to order. One of the girls orders a matcha latte, the other orders a coffee drink with almond milk, caramel syrup, and some sweetener. While they wait, they stop at a claw machine by the door to look at a few plushies and anime figures that they want to try and get, including one that’s related to Hello Kitty. One of the girls sniffs a lot and constantly dabs at her eyes with napkins that she gets from a dispenser nearby. After getting their coffees, trying to get something from the claw machine, and purchasing a few items from the local vendors, they leave. They are then followed by a quiet young man in his mid to late thirties who orders plain drip coffee and heads upstairs where a reservation for a group of people has already been made.
As you read this, how would you profile these people? Which people would you want to talk to first? Which people would you avoid? What kinds of things would you discuss with the people you decided to make conversation with, and how would you go about it? These are all questions we will attempt to answer as we explore meeting new people and how to do so safely.
I find one of the most enjoyable experiences in life is getting to meet new people. There are those who would disagree with me and would rather sit at home, watch Netflix with a bag of popcorn, and generally be alone with themselves. For those of us who like social events like myself, it’s a little harder to just sit at home and do projects alone. On top of this, my occupation as a full-time musician requires me to work with people all the time. Whether I’m performing with others in a band, soloing, or negotiating a contract with others for the first time, there’s a sense of constant awareness in case someone decides to try and slip something in my drink, flirt with me, or give me a little critique from them to make a song better. I also happen to be someone who’s totally blind, so I always get a lot of comments on how a young blind professional living on their own like myself is somehow walking around and talking to them. Over the years, as I’ve grown up, there is one thought that sticks with me as I work with people and continue to meet new faces that keeps me out of danger: pay attention. It is the first thing I learned as a child growing up on the streets of Kansas City in a neighborhood that was known for its crime rate, and, in all of the situations I’ve dealt with since, it’s something that has become a major part of how I work with others, live alongside them, and interact in every social situation.
The opening story that I shared before is one that actually happened. I walked into a coffee shop this week because I felt like getting out of the house to enjoy a refreshing brew, to enjoy some good local food, and to people-watch. As I ordered myself a drink, watching other people this time got me thinking about my peers and how much anxiety they express around meeting new people. It got me thinking, what exactly do I enjoy about meeting new people, and what keeps me out of danger in doing so? Upon further thought, it was that same thing that, for so many years, kept me out of trouble: pay attention. That curiosity to meet new people, to hear about their lives, to make new friends, was what drove me to pay attention and to begin to tell this story of how I do so without sight.
Let’s go back to the first woman. She was in line ahead of me and was the one who I told you ordered a plain Americano with an extra shot of espresso. One of the things I noticed her do was set her bag down on a couch that was close to the pickup counter near the main entrance of the coffee shop. This woman is in a place where she feels comfortable and knows the owners based on her behavior, so she thinks she can do that. I probably wouldn’t do that myself, as this coffee shop is in a city and things can easily get stolen that way, but, if you pay attention to the situation and how you fit in it, you can plan ahead to meet new people safely. It’s like doing the research for moving out to a new place. Scouting out the neighborhood and determining how close it is to a grocery store, the nearest school, and how easy it is to find transportation can help you in your approach to figure out if it’s a place you want to live in. The same is true for where you want to meet new people and how you do so.
Another thing that I do is profiling people. Now, I know that profiling gets a bad rap because it’s a word that gets thrown around especially at crime scenes, but it’s a useful skill. Earlier, I mentioned two girls who were into anime and Hello Kitty and who seemed fashionable. They came in just after I sat down at my table. The owner commented on how fashionable their purses were and the rhinestone designs on them, which told me a bit about what they like wearing. One of them ordered a drink with almond milk, a sugar substitute for sweetener, and caramel syrup, suggesting to me that she had allergies to multiple things, including something food-related. They also stopped at a claw machine that was in the coffee shop to see if they could snag a few anime-related items, including a Hello Kitty plushy, which told me about some of their interests. When I struck up a conversation with them as they waited for their order, it was these things that helped me know how best to talk to them. Finding common interests like anime sparked a conversation that told me I had profiled correctly. You too can pay attention to how people behave around others, what they’re wearing, and how they carry themselves, and you’ll find that this skill gets easier with time. That same curiosity in watching other people’s behavior and learning to profile them can also come in handy if, for instance, I saw the young man in our story doing something suspicious like checking out the woman who had placed her bag down on the couch or attempting to steal her bag. If you pay attention to a person’s behavior, a lot can be avoided. It doesn’t have to be checking over your shoulder every time you get ready to leave. It can be something simple like noticing who’s in your periphery if you have sight or if anyone greets you as you walk in.
That’s another thing- pay attention to your surroundings. It’s something people don’t always do. One of the things that gives me cues is hearing who greets me as I first enter a space. In a place like a coffee shop, something simple like a person greeting me already tells me things like how far the door is from any counters, registers, or tables. Paying attention to the environment and all the sounds within it helps give good clues on where everything is, especially if you don’t have sight like me to help you get around. Also doing research on the environment can be useful. Sometimes, you learn that way there might only be one wheelchair-accessible entrance, that the coffee shop I went to used to be an old house, and the wheelchair-accessible bathrooms are still under renovation. When you’re in a space, paying attention to where you sit and how far things are from each other will become necessary if some emergency happens. Having awareness of your surroundings will benefit you in the long run. It doesn’t even need to be research on the Internet, you can figure those things out by talking to other people and by observing interactions with them.
There are a couple of things that I usually do so I can fully pay attention to anything around me because I know we’ve talked a great game about paying attention, and I’m sure you want to know how to actually do it. It’s a skill that, like every other skill, requires practice. I start by using all of my senses, which is essential, especially since I have one less than most. I use my ears, generally without headphones, to help me navigate the environment I’m in and any audio cues that might give me. In some cases, I might use my headphones to use GPS navigation, but I ensure that I have some kind of transparency mode enabled first so I can still pay attention to the environment around me. Using my hands to feel tactile surfaces around me means that I’m always using my cane, especially for crossing intersections or determining changes in elevation like finding a set of stairs. Using my sense of smell helps me find that coffee shop that I like to frequent so much. I don’t have sight, or I’d touch on that too, but, for those who have sight, using that sense to look at people’s body language and nonverbal cues or observing the space around you will get you a long way to where you’re going.
Once you have your senses fully aware, it’s time to really think about your approach to dealing with meeting new people. In a more formal setting, pay attention to your etiquette. Be a decent person. Saying please and thank you will go a long way to helping you on your journey of meeting new faces for the first time. If meeting new people feels overwhelming, a few deep breaths and watching your own triggers during conversations will go a long way to helping you, though it’s totally okay to step out of a conversation for a few minutes to deal with your own self-care as well. That way, when you step back in, you’re able to re-engage and maybe have an even better conversation than when you started. Also be ready to re-assess a situation at any time. Remember how I pointed out in the beginning of the story that the girls were Caucasian? Because of my lack of sight, I tend to judge a person’s race and where they come from based on their accents. A good local dialect goes a long way for me in determining a lot about the local area they’re from, but that doesn’t mean that the judgment call is always right the first time. Sometimes, I’m wrong, and in these cases, it’s best not to judge a book by its cover. It’s better to ask than assume. With that being said, give yourself some grace if you’re not able to pick all of this up right away.
Paying attention, like anything else, is a skill. It takes time to learn, and I find myself still learning things along the way. There are times where I’m tired, times where I’m distracted by something else, times where I’m forced to multitask and miss out on small details. In those moments, it’s key to remember that we’re human, and we will have more opportunities to practice our skills of observation and attention. Failure to pay attention though does come with a cost, and sometimes that can be pretty steep. One of the things that happened while I was in the coffee shop was watching the number of people who came in while taking a phone call, not paying attention to everything around them. One of those customers nearly forgot her wallet. She left it sitting out on the counter, and it took the owner handing it to her to make her realize she’d forgotten it. Had it not been for the owner being able to get her wallet to her, that woman could have left something very valuable at the shop, which could have cost her a lot more had she left. Something like that is the reason I try not to multitask while doing things in public, though every once in a blue moon, I find myself in situations where I have to. In those times that I do, I try to pay extra attention to what I’m doing, and, if little details get missed, I try and give myself some grace.
The key thing to remember about all of this is to enjoy the people you’re talking to. Find the little things that make conversations memorable. Finding those common interests like anime or the love of coffee can lead to some really cool moments. Maybe you make a friend or two along the way, and, even if you don’t, observing people and learning about them can teach you a lot about both others and yourself. Who knows? Watching a person ahead of you order a new beverage on the menu could help you determine your next purchase. Finding little things about other people can give you a picture of their lives and maybe yours too. Pay attention, and you’ll find yourself living a lifestyle that you’ll find enjoyable.